Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Just a drag...

Quitting smoking really sucks. Its funny how easy "just a drag turns" into half a cigarette, into a full cigarette, into one in the morning and one at night, today was a bad day so one in the morning and one after work and one more at night, and next thing you know you're at the store buying a carton again. My biggest regret in my short 27 years of life is starting smoking. All told, I've spent over $13,000 on cigarettes since I started 10 years ago, give or take. That's more than a new car!!! Combine that with what my husband has spent and its at least $30,000 between the two of us, which is a down payment on a house. That's disgusting.

In any case, its one day at a time. I went to my sister in laws ultrasound last Friday and got to see little Madison (sigh...). She's beautiful even in black and white one dimension. :) She's not due until 1/31 but I'm hoping she'll come NOW because I can't wait to hold her! And I'm only her auntie, I can't imagine how her mommy feels!

I've always said I do not see myself having kids, I didn't grow up around children and honestly feel like I will still be fulfilled even if we never end up having a baby. Its really weird, almost like I have two personalities now, one is still adamant that I have no intentions of having children. The other has an obsession with pregnant woman (not the 'I want to steal your baby' kind, but the 'I know I'm a stranger but can I feel your stomach 'kind) and believes that my purpose is solely to pass along my values and outlook to a child. Depends on what day you catch me, and whether or not I'm at the mall because I don't think anyone can go to the mall and still want children... I apologize if this offends anyone but the tweens and hormonal teens at the mall frighten me sometimes. Not to mention they make me feel way older than I should at 27 because I find myself making"Kids these days..." remarks. Which in and of itself I feel I am too young for since I'm only 10 years removed from high school myself. A lot changes in 10 years, is it changing faster these days or did anyone else feel this way at quarter life?? Am I becoming a crazy old cat lady before I've even gone completely grey?? I need to go pretend I'm smoking a cigarette...

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